Tuesday, December 22, 2015

so this is christmas

This blog post has been on my to-do list for no less than six weeks, maybe longer. It’s not that I haven’t been busy (it is, after all, December 22nd); it’s that I haven’t much know where to start or what to say. I was talking the other night with a best friend of mine and she said she has found it hard to blog ever since she had her son (who is now almost two). She was just saying that it’s not a time thing; it’s just more of a question of not being sure what her voice is right now. She doesn’t want her design blog to turn into a mom blog, but at the same time, it’s kind of hard to deny the dominant role in your life.

This is the cutest photograph known by mankind in this century or any other:

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As for me, I totally feel what she's saying, but the absence here has not been a question of lost voice (mine is still snark and self deprecation, with a generous serving of food porn), or even a question of not having time (though things have been busy) it’s just been a weird fall, a strange end to an amazing year, and I’m not sure how to approach it without being a total downer. On October 21st my uncle became severely sick with an illness that is still very much a mystery. A standard seeming cold, turned stomach virus, suddenly got very serious, very fast and within a span of five hours or so he was paralyzed and intubated and looked surely as though he would not make it through the night, let alone the week. He spent over four weeks in the neurological ICU at Brigham & Women’s and has now been transferred to acute long term care at a different hospital. My uncle Loran is someone who is low key, and would rather help you paint your whole house than take a meal which you have offered- so I’m sure all this attention is not his bag. His illness has been a rollercoaster of emotion and has gone from severe, to worse, to better, back to complicated and has now, two months later, shifted into a place where I think there is hope. He is moving some parts of his body, sitting up, and talking. These are big giant leaps forward and we can all only hope that things keep moving forward in a positive way from here on out.

This is my uncle and Russel on 4th of July. I am so happy I got this photo:

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This illness has been taxing emotionally for everybody. We are a close knit clan and to see a vibrant, active, generous member of your family confined to a bed, unsure of what the future holds, is like the equivalent of grieving for a person in slow motion. It has been very draining on my mom and aunts, because all they want is for their only brother to heal and be better, and the slow pace of recovery has been a lesson in patience.

Whenever life gets you down, I suggest you consider how stoked a baby gets about Christmas lights. Know that we all have this much joy inside of us, too:

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So it has been hard, as we move through the holidays, not to be informed by this sadness; but I do find it’s best to focus on the hope. And there is hope and progress and he is still here. Which is the closest thing to a miracle I have ever seen. This year as a whole, has been filled with miraculous events and I must say, to see my uncle come back from the brink of death, has been a part of the beauty of it all (although we TOTALLY could have done without the terrifying mystery illness). This was the year I became a mother and watched a tiny, squishy alien being develop into a jubilant, charismatic little ball of personality who GETS JOKES and can “sing” and “dance”. It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. Also, I have been cooking constantly (hello, I have to feed my family and I love to eat my feelings, so OBVIOUSLY) so I have plenty to share here. For now though, I wish you and your family a holiday filled with warmth and cheer. Lots and love and I’ll see you next year.

xoxo, Jess

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